Open Mouth, Insert Foot
by Charlett
Summary: Anomen Delryn finds that the more he tries to understand the world through his strictly lawful bias, the more he stumbles on the way to Knighthood.  Throughout his adventures, he finds that more often than not, he ends up with his foot in his mouth.
1. Chapter 1

This was written because I really like Anomen, but I also like it when he crashes and burns trying to impress CHARNAME. He is such a nut it makes me laugh, so I wanted to reveal the side that many people don't realize: the side of Anomen that is trying desperately to court a lady like a gentleman should while failing miserably because he's really bad at this kind of stuff. So here we are, a relationship built off of insanity, miscommunication, and cat fights.

I'd like to hope that this can be both for people who like Anomen, and those who like seeing him be the butt of every joke. CHARNAME is not going to fawn over him like everyone assumes all the Lovetalks are like (only if you read them that way), and neither is she going to let him walk all over her. Both people in the relationship are going to have their ups and downs as well. CHARNAME is completely the opposite of perfect (unless you fail at writing and make a Mary Sue), so both people will end up being wrong on different accounts.

So the story is basically about a nameless and classless CHARNAME (Known simply as "My lady" to Anomen, "Friend" to the rest of the group, and "Sister" to Imoen) as she and Anomen try to stumble through their adventure without getting each other killed. Strangely, it's easier said than done.

Also, for peoples' information, this version will go through a Good CHARNAME (And no meta gaming either. "Hey guys Edwin's really funny let's put him in even though we're all good!") so Anomen will probably end up being LG at the end. If you prefer CN Anomen, then please wait until I finish that version up. I'd say a little more but this is getting long and I bet all of the stuff I already said has turned 95% of readership off. So I'll shut up and the rest of you can Read On!

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><p>She didn't look particularly amazing, grand, or powerful, really. She just looked like a woman. Granted, she had the charisma to lead, and she seemed to attract strong adventurers in her wake, but when one looked past all of the amazing tales that the bards sung about her group, it was really nothing more than a tattered group of individuals who seemed to have their own dreams and ideals. None of them seemed to be able to agree on one thing, and yet something about them kept them all together somehow. It was something that made Anomen Delryn, Warrior Cleric of Helm and Squire of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart, seethe deep down. How could a group so crude, so ungainly, so… chaotic, create such harmony and good wherever they went? It was a blasphemous idea that made the cleric more and more curious of their work as the days went by.<p>

She was rearranging her gear as they traveled; she always seemed so used to this traveling about business. He understood that there were female knights, as well, but she was somehow more comfortable in traveling than even veteran paladins. She had found a moment of time away from the group, introvert that she was, so Anomen decided to find out what made her tick.

"Good day, my lady," the cleric said upon approaching her. She ignored him, checking instead inside her pack for anything she might need. Anomen frowned lightly. What was so important about her gear that made her ignore her own companions? He puffed himself up and cleared his throat loudly.

"Hello, Anomen. Can I help you?" she asked, not making eye contact and instead tending to her supplies. Was she ignoring him? The cleric cocked his head with a frown. From what he knew of her during their short adventures together, she was definitely introverted and soft spoken, but he never thought that she would be this intensely adverse to speaking to her own party! It made the cleric deflate a bit; not even his own party members seemed to enjoy his company... "Anomen? Can I help you?" The woman's repeated question snapped Anomen out of his thoughts, and he non-verbally blamed his silence on a fake cough.

"I was just thinking. You know many of the others in this… group, but even though we've been traveling together, my lady, I know next to nothing of you. At least, aside from what few bards have sung of your adventures."

"Is that so?" she asked, as if the thought never occurred to her. There was silence for a moment, and Anomen shifted awkwardly. "I suppose you're right," she said aloud, "Very well then, if it would please you, tell me about yourself, Anomen."

The warrior cleric chuckled and puffed himself up, prideful as a peacock. "Well, I suppose there's not much to say…" he muttered to himself in a way that betrayed his humble words, "I've not been knighted yet, so the Order hasn't asked me to do anything really impressive such as dragon slaying, but there was this one time…" He seemed to find himself in another world as he looked into the sky and reminisced. "I was called out with a small band to fight an Orc invasion up north. Now, normally, one Orc is no match for I, but there was a huge wave coming down the mountain, and so I…"

The woman strapped her backpack down and lifted it onto her back as the cleric continued, pantomiming the entire battle as he spoke, "…I was surrounded on all sides. Seven to my left, fourteen to my right, twenty to my back! And then, when all hope seemed lost, I pulled out my mace and struck a mighty blow, Helm guiding my strikes true! Every one of those fifty Orcs lay dead at my feet in a matter of minutes."

The leader stared at him. He stared back at her, trying in vain to read her face. Eventually she shrugged. "Sounds really impressive, Anomen. Come on, the others are waiting for us." She wandered towards the encampment as the cleric caught up with her.

"Why, yes, but surely they aren't as impressive as your tales of valor!" he said when he finally reached her side again, "I've heard many songs about your great adventures, but it really isn't as good as hearing it from the horse's mouth, am I wrong?"

"You're not," she said lightly, shouldering her pack, "but I will guarantee you that those bards stretched the truth about my victories. They never really say everything that actually happened."

Anomen smirked lightly. "I know how you feel. Sometimes it can be so bothersome, hearing them prattle on about such silly overblown stories that are not true at all. How about you, however? Surely, you really didn't singlehandedly stop a war between Baldur's Gate and Amn, did you, my lady?"

"Oh, that one?" She nodded. "Yeah, that one's completely true. Turns out you can't even trust your half brother not to stab you in the back. Dog eat dog, am I right?"

Anomen stopped, mouth hanging slightly agape. "That whole thing… about… the fighting, and the underground necropolis, and the… and Amn and Nashkel and… All of it was true…?"

She turned around and blinked at him lightly, hand on her hip. "Well, yes, I wouldn't lie about something like that," she said. She looked down at the small encampment, where the rest of the group motioned for her to join them, and her eyes got a faraway look in them. "I just… I didn't do it alone, of course."

"Of course, you are very humble, my lady." Adventurer or not, Anomen decided she was at least a nice young woman, a woman worthy of a man's respect. He then noticed something about her eyes and peered at her. "My lady, are you…?"

Anomen was interrupted when she brushed past him, rubbing her eyes. "I'm fine. Let's go." There was utter silence as she left him stand on the hill, wondering just what she was even talking about. The only thing he could piece together was that the friends that already stood by her side had a long history with her. If he was going to get to the bottom of this weird "Harmony out of Chaos" business, he was going to have to watch her carefully.

"My lady! Wait for me! I'm coming!" he called, rushing down the hill after her. She turned to him slowly as he caught up with her, panting from his exertion in armor, and for the first time since he met her, she gave him a small smile; a smile he he gladly returned…

…which then broke. "You're so silly, Anomen," she said offhandedly through her smirk, and he sputtered in mute surprise as she walked on. The… the nerve! Silly? He was… he was a Warrior Cleric of Helm and a Squire of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart! Warrior Clerics of Helm were not "silly"! He was most definitely wrong: this lady wasn't nice or worthy of any respect, calling a member of the Radiant Heart "silly"!

He turned away and frowned angrily; what kind of adventuring group did he get caught up in, anyway? Absolutely horrible, the lot of them…!


	2. Chapter 2

I wanted to work on filler "episodes" between certain lovetalks, mostly because lovetalks are so obviously between two people, I thought it would be nice to show off the relationships between Charname and her friends as well. I don't know if it worked out very well, so some critique is wonderful! I am loving all of the good and bad that everyone has given me! I hope I will never come across as looking like I don't appreciate everything that you are all giving me.

Thanks for your help again, and I hope you enjoy this little filler.

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><p>Anomen first noticed his leader's overprotective behavior when that giant of hers, Minsc, got into a tussle and barely got scratched on account of her. Anomen crossed his arms indignantly as the group surrounded him and inspected the wound; it was barely a scratch, and could easily be disinfected and wrapped up! Minsc scratched at the small injury on his arm with a frown. "I apologize. I moved to protect Boo and the orc got under my armor. I am not sorry."<p>

She smiled at him brightly; it was a smile that only the giant ranger received. "Don't you worry, Minsc, we'll get it fixed up. Anomen, can I borrow you for a second?"

"At your order, milady," the warrior cleric said, instantly by her side. Any slower and he would have been chastised by his superiors when he first became a squire, so he wouldn't let his leader be without him if she needed him. "How may I help you?"

The woman looked up at him, her voice soft but her eyes commanding. "Minsc needs to be healed. Can you ask Helm to heal him, Anomen?"

The cleric sputtered and reeled. Was this a joke? He didn't really have to use his magic to heal a scratch like that, did he? "Heal… what…? 'Tis a scratch, barely bleeding! I don't think…"

She was ignoring him again, turning back to Minsc as Anomen tried to explain what he did and didn't need to do. She spent more time cooing at the ranger than she did actually leading this band! Anomen glared in frustration as she spoke to the man. "Don't scratch it, Minsc, you'll get it infected. Anomen, if you don't heal it now, it'll get infected in due time now, and then you'll have to memorize a Cure Disease spell. Do you really want to make us waste time on you memorizing spells you'll only use once? Do you?"

Anomen was immediately defensive. Who did this woman think she was, telling him what to do as if he himself had no idea how to use his clerical spells? "Do you… how dare you speak to me so? I may be a cleric but there are better things to spend my time and energy on than healing a scratch that can be sterilized and bandaged!"

"He has a point, you know," Jaheira, the group's adviser, said stoically to their as the cleric dug around in his pack. She touched their leader's shoulder and nodded at the younger woman, but the soft gaze that their leader got turned into a harsh, cold glare when Jaheira turned to the cleric. "Although he could have said it with less poison. I'm watching you, Helmite; our leader is not one to be trifled with…"

Anomen shuddered involuntarily at the druid's glare, but managed to shrug it off as he finally obtained the items he was looking for. "You can thank me later for actually procuring the items for this kind of work, my lady, for you obviously think me so little as to be a bandage boy. Stand aside and let me do my work then!" The leader, the woman, glared at him from Minsc's side, and she looked like she was hesitant to leave the ranger in her cleric's care. Finally, she released him and let Anomen do his work. With careful work and precision, the cleric of Helm worked gently but quickly, applying the alcohol and wrapping the wound up loosely, so the ranger could continue his battles. "There, was that really so hard?"

The woman still didn't look pleased, and she spoke up warily, "He's not going to get infected then, will he?"

"Nay, the alcohol will kill the infection." He chuckled aloud at the thought. "'Tis a good thing I don't drink, or else we'd be up the River Styx without a paddle."

Minsc tested his arm out, and nodded brightly. "Anomen did a very good job! Boo congratulates you."

The cleric puffed up with pride, clearly soaking up the praise he deserved. His leader, however, didn't seem to share the same sentiment. "Yes, well, I suppose he did okay. I still say it would have been faster if he had listened and done what I told him to in the first place." There was nothing else that needed to be said. The woman pushed onward with crossed arms, and Anomen snorted. There really was no pleasing this woman!

…Although, if he was trying to please her, he should probably stop fighting with her first…

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><p>I hope I wasn't the only one who tended to use Anomen as little more than a healer when I was little. It took me maturation and adulthood to realize that he was just as capable of fighting alongside Minsc as Sarevok or Keldorn. I also hope that people tended to heal minor wounds with multiple Cure Light Wounds like I did whenever someone got a scratch during battle.<p>

I tried to make her "childish immaturity" look more like a fear for her friends (After all, she lost Khalid and Dynahier and both of those hurt just as much as with Minsc and Jaheria) rather than a...n immature child. Whether or not I succeeded is up to you guys.


	3. Chapter 3

I was quite surprised when I figured out that Keldorn responds to Anomen during the second lovetalk with CHARNAME. It's one of the very few "nonromanceable" canon NPCs that speaks up during a love talk. Therefore I definitely had to add Keldorn in at least for here. Not sure if he'll stay around for the rest of it, even though he'd fit very well with the group. There are just so many other "good" NPCs to bring along, it seems silly to bring Keldorn just because he's also a Radiant Heart member. Regardless, I hope you enjoy the third installment!

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><p>The smell of the sewers was truly overwhelming, and the woman's small group of six was beginning to mutiny. "Boo is getting squirrely!" Minsc complained, "and trudging in these waters are making his fur matted!"<p>

"I don't even see how we can even bother resting in this despicable water, despite how worn out we all are," Jaheira agreed. The smell was almost unbearable, even when they were all able to pull their mail out of the muck and grime. The only one who seemed to keep a stoic look about him was the wizened paladin, Keldorn, whom they had picked up in the sewers; both of them had been assigned to rooting out the false cult that had made their home in the muck, and their leader seemed to be content in the fact that Anomen and Keldorn were members of the same order.

"Perhaps we should find a place in a corner, as far from this refuse as possible?" Yoshimo suggested in his usual professional manner as the group tried in vain to dry out their armor and underclothes. It was drier, but it was still overpoweringly smelly.

"No need, my friend," Anomen said, pushing aside the bounty hunter to gesture wildly about, "I prepared a spell today that should solve all of our problems!"

There was a grunt a little ways away, coming from the paladin. Keldorn's tone was gentle, but there was a tinge of a reprimand for the cleric's pompous behavior. "That is wonderful, Anomen. Would you kindly use it now then?" This made the warrior cleric frown in anger, but he reached into his bag and produced a small rose, preserved by magic to remain alive indefinitely. He grasped the petals and yanked, tearing off all of the red and discarding the green stem to the floor. A quick prayer was all that was needed to enchant the petals, and the moment they were crushed and dropped to the floor, they swirled around the group in a beautiful whirlwind of sweet smelling air.

"There we are. Once again, I have saved the day," he said proudly, puffing himself up. The group in response promptly ignored him and prepared camp.

The leader stood a little ways away, unrolling her bedroll and undoing her mail. The cleric was soon next to her, and she turned only lightly with a noncommittal "Hey". Anomen had found that while most of the others seemed to ignore him rather than outwardly hate him, his leader seemed to tolerate his presence the most. As Keldorn took the first watch, Anomen sat next to his leader and opened his mouth.

She spoke up first, making him stare at her with his mouth stuck open in a look of embarrassment. "I don't think I saw Jaheira use a spell like that before. Do Order members use it?"

"Nay, my lady, it is something that all clerics, and even those of the druidic order, can use if they wish it," Anomen replied, struggling with his plate boots. She let out a small "oh" and went back to her work. The warrior cleric wondered at her question, and by the time his boots were removed he realized… "You don't know much about the Order of the Radiant Heart, do you, my lady? Shall I tell you about them?"

The woman blinked at him and shrugged nonchalantly, as if she really didn't care. "Alright then, what is the Order all about?"

"Oh, it's the most wonderful thing!" And for the first time since he had joined this ragtag group, he shined. Anomen's pride wasn't from his own actions, but from the desire to be part of something he knew was even bigger than him, and he spoke about it the way a boy would talk about his favorite hero. "The order works to do good in every way, from the paladins to the clerics, we all work to provide kindness and destroy evil wherever it may be found. It is the greatest force of greatness in all of Faerun. I was always in awe of the Order, ever since I was a child."

The woman was resting on her knees, watching him with her head cocked to the side as she spoke. "It sounds like it. You're very enthusiastic about them."

"Aye, it is so wonderful to see that they follow their hearts, rather than the voices of others, to spread goodness. There are very few that can stand up to the full might of the Order, my lady, and the knights are perfect and unblemished in every way. Sometimes, I wonder why they just don't take over the Council that runs state affairs. Think of all the good they could do by rooting out evil wherever it lies!"

There was a heavy sigh a little ways away and Anomen bristled. Keldorn stood a little ways away, but it was apparent that he had heard the cleric's enthusiastic outburst. "Ah, Anomen, once again you follow your pride rather than your head. It is because the Order does not take part of the politics of the town that it remains uncorrupt. If we allow ourselves to administer to the people, then we will find ourselves desiring more to please the people than to protect them from harm."

Anomen's temper immediately flared, his face red from embarrassment and anger at the paladin's chastising remark that ruined his talk with their leader. The woman looked away in an attempt to hide herself from the outburst of the cleric as he stood up and glared pointedly at the paladin. "I am long past the time when I need a knight of the Order to answer my every thought, Sir Keldorn." The "Sir" came out like the spit of a snake; it wasn't far from the truth. "Many in the Order express that same idea, but I disagree with it. There is far too much injustice in this world, and the Order should do more to stop evil wherever it spreads, not just in the sewers, but in the government as well!"

Keldorn did not seem to be responding in the same venom that Anomen was spewing. He spoke as if lecturing a squire. "The Council has a special place in this land; if only one order rules, then who will check the one ruling class? The Council watches us, and we watch the Council."

"Bah! There is nothing wrong with the Order, so therefore there is no need to check it! My lady, you must agree with me, right?" The cleric immediately turned to her, and she looked up at Anomen, wide eyed and surprised. He returned her look with a pleading eye. "Surely, my lady, you see that if there is true goodness, then there is no need to check against it? There is no way the Order could have evil within it."

She had a look that showed that Anomen had betrayed her in some way, and he blinked at her sad frown. "You would ask me to answer something like that, Anomen? I know next to nothing about Amn besides what is in books, and the heavens know that books can only tell you so much about a subject. I can't say anything about an opinion without knowing any more about this land."

Anomen suddenly realized what he had said. He had assumed that she would agree with him (he *was* in the right, after all), but he didn't realize that he had put her on the spot of a dangerous situation. What kind of leader would she be if she picked sides against her own party? "I… apologize, my lady. You are indeed a foreigner. I just assumed that you would agree with me that evil can be fought with more than just a sword."

"Our leader shows great wisdom, good Anomen," Keldorn said stoically. Anomen ground his teeth as the paladin continued. "In remaining silent on a matter in which she is not well-informed, she has shown that one must learn all one can about the world before judging it. You would do well to follow her example."

"I don't need to be lectured by you, Sir Keldorn," Anomen hissed in response, "I have thought well on this matter and I do not need your guidance! I just…" He paced like a caged lion, and he felt the rage boiling within him. It was the rage he couldn't let out, he couldn't show it. He was a warrior cleric of Helm and he was better than this! "I am… I am weary. Goodnight, my lady. I shall see you after we rest!"

She didn't respond, even after he snapped his bedroll out and slept right on top of the roll.


End file.
